hilary malveaux

better isn't always doing well.

Sun, 20 May 2012 20:59:12 -0700

sometimes weird things can save your life. figuratively, you know. Creative Fresno saved my life a few years ago, but that’s a post for a different day.

the music of Wye Oak, a two-member band from Baltimore, saved my life early last year. when the stuff happening in my life had my heart so heavy it felt like i had a weight on my chest, Wye Oak didn’t lighten that load, but listening to Jenn Wasner sing about loss, relationships, and grief helped me feel less alone in my pain. she put my heartache into words that i could sing and memorize and revel in.

they played the Troubadour in February, but i had to replace my cell phone when it fell down the stairs, and couldn’t swing it then. they’ll be in Oakland in July and i hope with all my heart that i can see them this time. so i can cry my eyes out during “Civilian.” or, more likely, during their entire set.

♥

i woke up with this song in my head today. y’all...

Mon, 07 May 2012 11:12:59 -0700

i woke up with this song in my head today. y’all don’t know ‘bout this.

this is pretty accurate.

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 10:02:15 -0700

this is pretty accurate.

want. no, need.

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 22:44:40 -0700

want. no, need.

“I flip through the catalogue, wishing the songs were listed not just by title, but also...

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 20:37:02 -0700

“I flip through the catalogue, wishing the songs were listed not just by title, but also cross-referenced by meaning or purpose. There are songs about love in so many mutations and guises, love offered and rejected, accepted and betrayed, remembered and missed and sparkling, sparkling new, but somehow none of them are quite right. I’m about to pick an Abba song — “Supertrooper,” which as far as I can tell means absolutely nothing at all and is therefore totally safe — when I find it. The risky but almost perfect song to say what I haven’t been able to say without the cushion of a melody, the aid of a rhyme, the cheat-sheet of someone else’s phrasing.

…

“Last fall, when you kissed me, I felt sort of shocked. I was your supervisor, ne? To have workplace romance is very…frowned over?”
“Frowned upon.”
“Frowned upon,” he repeats.
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
“But now I am not your supervisor. For many reasons, I am happy about this.”
“I made a lot of extra work for you.”
“Yeah,” he says, leaning closer. “This is one reason.”

Under the table, we clamp our legs together to steady their trembling. I lean in too, he shuts his eyes, and the distance between us collapses. Right before we kiss, I wonder what this means, what will happen next, whether I’m making a mistake. Will we have to keep this relationship a secret? Will it become a relationship? Will people disapprove?

Then I stop thinking.

I stop thinking and just give in.”

from If You Follow Me by Malena Watrous

“Words that describe you: open, accessible, too sensitive, reachable, candid, unguarded You...

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 23:44:43 -0700

“Words that describe you: open, accessible, too sensitive, reachable, candid, unguarded

You are an emotional person. In some ways, we are all emotional; we feel joy, anger, sadness and fear; some of us more powerfully than others - and you more powerfully than most. Your emotions are closer to the surface, and your feelings more obvious to you than is the case with most people.”

i took a personality assessment awhile ago and the above describes one facet of my personality. i’m so sensitive that sometimes i doubt my reactions to everyday events. my feelings were hurt this evening and i’m not sure if they should have been. i don’t think this person meant to hurt my feelings but i’m sad nonetheless.

feeling things so powerfully is one thing. expressing them in an appropriate way is something i have yet to master. when i’m angry, i don’t react violently and immediately as i did before but when i’m sad, my tears are ready to spill at a moment’s notice.

“Finally, I thought about how English is useful when I sing karaoke. I should begin by saying...

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 21:24:52 -0700

“Finally, I thought about how English is useful when I sing karaoke. I should begin by saying that singing is not truly my “hobby.” “Hobby” means for fun I think. But karaoke is how I speak my truth. If I use speaking voice to say to someone, “I am lonesome,” especially if I say in Japanese, they will find me kind of pathetic and probably run away. In any case, I would never say this. But if I sing, “I feel so all alone,” in style of Elvis Presley, maybe they will not run away. Maybe they will come closer, to enjoy great song, and lonesome feeling will go away.

Problem is, life is not karaoke booth.”

from If You Follow Me by Malena Watrous

i have a drinking problem.

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 23:13:16 -0700

i’m not physically dependent on alcohol. i don’t drink every day. sometimes i can go for several weeks without having a drink. but once i have one, i want seven more. that’s called binge drinking, you guys. so i’m going to quit drinking for three reasons:

1. it’s screwing up a relationship that i care about a helluva lot. remember this guy? yeah. i don’t want to mess that up.

2. i can’t even call what i have the next day a hangover anymore. i ache deep in the muscles all over my body for a couple of days after a night of drinking, and i feel nauseous, stupid, and weak the whole day. after last year’s FUSE Fest, i actually had a two-day hangover. scary stuff.

3. i don’t want to be like my dad in any way, at all, whatsoever. end of story.

you’ll like this song, everyone: “Zombied” by...

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 21:38:16 -0700

you’ll like this song, everyone: “Zombied” by I Am This Big Black Cloud

he does what he wants!

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 11:06:25 -0700

he does what he wants!

every bit of me is laid out like a buffet for you to pick and choose and pass over. but you’re...

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 01:48:24 -0700

every bit of me is laid out like a buffet for you to pick and choose and pass over. but you’re that restaurant with just one table a night and it’s booked a year in advance.

or we’re at the end of a poker game. my cards are face up on the table but you never show your hand and you say you’ve won anyway and gather all the chips with one sweep of your arm.

Photo

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 23:12:41 -0800

it only took about thirty seconds and two syringes filled with liquid, one a light, transparent red,...

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 10:43:33 -0800

it only took about thirty seconds and two syringes filled with liquid, one a light, transparent red, the other like diluted Windex, to end the life of my Phillip. he was once twelve pounds of lean, powerful, laser-pointer decimating shorthair domestic cat. yesterday, he was spindly, unable to eat, pitifully vocal in his discomfort, weighing under five pounds.

i keep trying to focus on the good parts, the shower we’d take each day, his great love of treats, the way he’d carry his hot pink jingly ball around the house in his mouth, the time he was preparing to jump from our balcony to the neighbor’s. before he was diagnosed with chronic renal failure, he once woke us up in his excitement at the sound of water rushing overhead as maintenance men cleared out the fire sprinkler lines at our old apartment. i try to think about the sweet, funny times, when he was vibrant and curious, but i can’t stop the loop of his final thirty seconds of life replaying in my head. the worst and longest thirty seconds of my life.

my darling boy is gone. Phillip Lyons Malveaux-Sanchez, né Lilliana Franchitti Malveaux because i...

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 20:27:14 -0800

my darling boy is gone. Phillip Lyons Malveaux-Sanchez, né Lilliana Franchitti Malveaux because i thought he was a girl at first, succumbed to his long fight with chronic renal failure this evening. my weird bunny/owl/Tilda Swinton-lookalike cat is gone and my heart is broken. i feel guilty. guilty. guilty. i’ve never had to make this decision before but it wasn’t hard. the vet said it was time. but i wonder if there’s more i could have done. three years ago, he was diagnosed with this disease and the vet said he lived longer than he was supposed to but that knowledge gives me no comfort right now. maybe it will later.

we’re going to have him cremated and spread his ashes in Millerton Lake (is that even allowed? i don’t care. we’re doing it.) because water was his favorite thing of all time.

Phillip Lyons Malveaux-Sanchez, 2007-2012

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 20:27:00 -0800

Phillip Lyons Malveaux-Sanchez, 2007-2012

i miss Heath.

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 09:55:28 -0800

i miss Heath.

this was one of my favorite videos when i was a little girl....

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 09:54:29 -0800

this was one of my favorite videos when i was a little girl. seems pretty appropriate for today. ♥

omg, someecards has read my heart. ♥

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:56:27 -0800

omg, someecards has read my heart. ♥

i feel like this pretty often.

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 09:29:38 -0800

i feel like this pretty often.

you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness like...

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 15:47:25 -0800

you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
like resignation to the end, always the end.
so when we found that we could not make sense
well, you said that we would still be friends,
but i’ll admit that i was glad that it was over.

“Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye

so brilliant, it makes me ache.