hilary malveaux

this made my heart ache: a letter from John Steinbeck to his son about falling in love.

New York
November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First — if you are in love — that’s a good thing — that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second — There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply — of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it — and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone — there is no possible harm in saying so — only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another — but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa

2011 was probably the shittiest year of my life. i can’t remember a year that was shittier. some good things happened, though. let’s review, shall we?

my parents split up, after 28 (i think) years of marriage, and even though i think they should have parted a long time ago, it was still difficult to deal with. the anger i have toward my dad increased exponentially, which is pretty amazing because there was a whole lot to begin with. harder still was seeing my mother down, so down that she ran away. just up and drove to arkansas to stay with her brother. she came back after about a month and a half, thankfully, but she had planned on staying there permanently. this cross-country bolt meant more anger for me. the first time i talked to her on the phone after she left, i couldn’t stop yelling and she hung up on me. it was pretty bad. we’re fine now.

i haven’t said more than a couple of words to my dad in several months, though. generally, i don’t want to hear from or about him. i did give him a Christmas present, a Buck Owens biography. on the gift tag, i just wrote his name, not Dad. he recently moved in with his girlfriend, his girlfriend who is 33 years old, the same age as the guy i’m seeing and just six years old than me, his oldest daughter. ick.

shortly after my parents’ breakup, the longest romantic relationship of my life ended. we are still friends but that was a difficult decision to make and a very painful time.

right after that was the Creative Fresno Members Only party. Agent Ribbons, Strange Vine and The Stone Foxes played for members of Creative Fresno at Storyland. it was a successful and fun event that i thought up. it was my idea, you guys, so having this party go really well after the breakup was a total win. also, i looked really awesome that night, which is always important.

after graduating from high school in 2002, dicking around at Fresno State for a few years, quitting school altogether for a couple more, then getting serious and enrolling in the degree completion program at Fresno Pacific, i finally finished my bachelor’s degree in business management. FINALLY. the search for full time employment, however, continues.

in June, i went to Berkeley with my best friend and her little sister to see Florence + The Machine. she was amazing and i really liked Berkeley, too. that was a great trip, the first out of town jaunt i’d had in a long time.

i didn’t get to go to the movies as much as i wanted to, but one film i was able to catch was a real standout, Another Earth. it was beautiful and heartbreaking. i like movies about space and although this isn’t set in space, it makes you think about the possibilities, the unknown, the unknowable, and i really enjoyed that aspect. it reminds me of The Fountain, another movie i love.

2011 was a great year for music discoveries. some of these might not be new to you, but i’m usually late on this kind of thing. my sister told me yesterday, “you know about a lot of things, but other things that everyone knows about, you don’t know.” yeah. that’s how it is. the following is a list of artists/bands i started listening to in 2011:

The Joy Formidable - a three-piece band from North Wales. the singer/guitarist is a girl named Ritzy. what more do you need to know?

Wye Oak - this band rules my life. hopefully i’ll be able to see them when they play at the Troubadour in February.

The Weeknd - drugged out sex music made by a 21 year old kid from Canada. yup.

Brother Luke & The Comrades - as a former Christian, current agnostic, i never thought i could listen to songs about Jesus again. i was wrong.

Beach House - i just want to cuddle in bed all day listening to their music. and i don’t even like cuddling, much.

Rudi Zygadlo - sort of dubsteppy, very weird, but really beautiful electronic music.

another plus in 2011 was losing 12 pounds. i need to lose 30 more to reach my goal weight, but it’s a start.

finally, for the first time in my life since i started dating when i turned 18, i’m not hastily beginning a relationship. i’m getting to know the guy first. isn’t that great and terribly adult? it’s going quite well, thank you for asking.

and now, 2012 is here. i have decided to be vegetarian again. whenever i make the switch, i always consider going vegan instead but i just love cheese and ice cream too much. i’m sorry, dairy cows. the big goal for the year, though, is to find a full time job so my life can really begin again. i’m still living with my ex-boyfriend, you see. in a separate bedroom, but it is weird, i know. it sort of feels like everything is on hold right now but i’m doing my best. my ten year reunion is in August so i’ve got to get everything in order by then. that, or just be really, really skinny.